Never pressure someone into disclosing. Regardless of whether you believe it is the right thing to do. This is about them and their choices, not yours.
If you think someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, there is lots of advice available to you in a supporting role. Domestic abuse often involves control and coercion with violence or fear of violence, isolation or manipulation being at the centre of the abuse. You may notice something is not right, but it is not always easy for someone to disclose their personal circumstances.
People’s reactions to experiencing domestic violence can vary; they may be afraid, angry or have no outward reaction at all. They may act in ways that seem unusual to you, even laughing at seemingly inappropriate times or trivialising what has happened to them.
Disclosures can come in many forms; it could be something said jokingly, a story that someone starts to tell but then stops and says it doesn't matter, or it could be a question. You are not expected to be a professional counsellor. However, how someone responds to a first disclosure can be important. It can feel difficult to know how to act and respond to a friend when they disclose - you may feel horrified, shocked, or angry that this is happening to them. In addition, it can take time for a person to decide what they want to do and how they want to move forward.
Warning signs of someone experiencing domestic violence may include (but is not limited to):
- Seeming afraid of their partner or family member, or anxious to please them
- Agreeing with everything their partner or family member says
- Reporting to their partner or family member about where they are, what they’re doing or who they’re with
- Talking about their partner’s or family member’s temper or jealousy
- Having frequent injuries or “accidents”
- Frequently missing work, school or social occasions without a clear reason
- Wearing clothing that does not fit the season, such as long sleeves in summer to cover bruises or marks
- Experiencing personality changes, like low self-esteem in someone who used to be confident, or new depression or anxiety
- Suddenly or slowly pulling away from close relationships with friends and family or cherished hobbies
- Seeking their partner or family member’s approval for activities, friendships, purchases or plans
What can you do?
If someone discloses that they are living with domestic abuse there are several things that you need to consider depending on what role you have in relation to the victim/survivor. Try not to ask for a lot of detail and make it clear that you are ready to listen.
When talking to victim/survivors here are a few pointers:
- Speak with the person in a private area to retain confidentiality.
- Listen, and acknowledge what the victim/survivor is saying.
- Make it clear that help is available. Signpost them to support within and outside the University.
- Do not promise to do something you cannot do and know your limitations.
- Believe and Validate: it is important that the victim/survivor feels believed and that you make it clear that the abuse is not their fault.
- Disclose: Students can disclose an incident using the University’s Report and Support system. You can disclose on behalf of someone, with their consent. You can choose to do this anonymously or you can provide your details.
Help to ensure their safety
Think
- Are they in immediate danger? If they are in immediate danger or seriously injured, you can call 999 (or 112 from a mobile).
- Find a safe space. If an incident has just happened try and find somewhere they feel safe.
- If they are at home or in the home of someone else – has the attacker gone? If they have contacted you can you help them to make themselves safe by calling the police or intervening in some other way? Call 999. If they are on Campus, you can also contact Campus Security Services - by dialing 333 from any internal telephone, 01792513333 on a mobile or by using our SafeZone app.
Respect your friend's autonomy
- While you may think that a certain course of action is clear, it is important that your friend decides for themselves, finds their own solutions, sets their own boundaries and takes back control.
- If you do need to share information for your friend’s safety, get permission by letting your friend know what you will share and with whom it will be shared. If you are worried that your friend or someone else is in imminent danger, you can explain that you will need to tell someone in this instance. If you are unclear about what to do, you can speak with a member of the Welfare@CampusLife team.
- Your friend will be struggling with complex decisions and feelings of powerlessness - making decisions for them may increase that sense of powerlessness.
- You can tell your friend that even if they do not want to report to the police, there are specialist agencies who can offer confidential advice and support. Depending on when the violence happened (if within the last 7 days), they can collect forensic evidence which can be stored should your friend decide they want to go to the police at a later date.
- Don’t take things into your own hands such as confronting the perpetrator, threatening them, or assaulting them. This is unhelpful, unsafe and could also be criminal.
- Be patient and avoid putting pressure on your friend. It can be tempting to think or say things like ‘it happened years ago, forget about it’. But abuse, trauma and their effects are persistent. Even after someone has come to terms with what happened and has healed from the immediate trauma, they may react to some trigger years later.
- Try to find out what your friend needs from you, if anything. Don’t assume what they want or need. Just let them know that you are there for them.
Get support for yourself
Receiving disclosures can leave a mark on you, so it is important that as the person hearing the disclosure you have space to process your own emotions.
- Welfare@CampusLife can provide space and support for any student who has received a disclosure whilst respecting the privacy of all parties involved. The service is confidential unless there is an imminent risk of serious harm.
- You can also contact external specialist agencies for your own support as a responder.
- Supporting a survivor can be difficult and it's OK to take time and space for yourself sometimes. It's important not to betray a survivor's trust by telling others about their experiences without their permission, but you can talk confidentially to and get specialist support.
Further information about supporting a friend who is or has been experiencing an abusive relationship
- If your friend is a woman, Refuge has resources on ‘supporting a survivor’.
- If your friend is a man, Respect: Men’s Advice Line has resources for friends and family.
- If your friend is LGBTQ+, Galop has resources for friends and family.
- Please note, much of the information in these further resources can be useful regardless of the gender or identity of your friend.